AVOIDING FEELINGS
In completing this milestone of publishing the 50th Part of BOND OF BLISS, with all humility I say Alhamdulillah. Two years ago, Dr. Rizvan Jaldeen inspired and invited me to write articles for Perkumpulan Perkawinan Melayu which is the exclusive Facebook gateway for Malay marriages in Sri Lanka. Bond of Bliss was as a consequence of this for the benefit of the 7000 plus members of PPM.
In my previous episode, I touched on how to heal our negative feelings. Healing our feelings is one thing, but as adults, we try to avoid these feelings by avoiding them. We use certain addictions to silence or hide the cries of our feelings and unfulfilled needs. After getting involved in some addiction like alcohol, drugs, hangouts, isolation, films, friends, etc., the pain is gone for a moment. But it will come back again and again after the hangover. The very act of avoiding our negative emotions gives them the power to control our lives. However, if we really are able to listen to and nurture our inner emotions, they gradually lose their grip.
When you are upset you are surely not able to communicate the way that you would want to. At that very moment, the unresolved feelings of your past have come back. It is as if a child who was never allowed to show anger is trying to show one, only to be sent once again back to silence. Until we are able to lovingly listen to these seemingly irrational feelings of the past which seem to creep into our life, we will never be able to communicate lovingly.
The secret of communicating our difficult feelings lies in having the wisdom and the commitment to express our negative feelings in a calm and soothing tone so that we can be aware of our more positive feelings. The more that we are able to communicate with our partners with the love that they deserve, the better our relationship would be. When you are able to share your upset feelings in a loving way, it becomes much easier for your partner to support you in return.
In a relationship, you will come across a situation where you will be feeling angry, unhappy, depressed, annoyed, tried, stuck or simply stressed. It will not improve your mood, but it will certainly help you to move in the direction that you what to go if you are able to communicate your feelings in a calm and loving manner.
Remember, unless you are learning to let your emotional part speak of you to speak out and be heard, it cannot be healed. My writings here can inspire you to love yourself more, but by listening to, and verbally expressing your feelings you are actually doing it.
As your emotional self gets the love and understanding it needs, you will automatically begin to communicate better. You will then be able to respond to situations in a more loving manner. Even though we have been programmed to hide our feelings and react defensively and not lovingly, we can surely retrain ourselves.
A man’s common passion with success is his desperate attempt to win love in the hope of reducing his inner emotional pain and turmoil. A woman’s common passion with being perfect is her desperate attempt to be worthy of love and reduce her emotional pain. Anything done to excess can become a means to numb the pain of our unresolved past.
It is very powerful to have some select people in your life (a friend or a therapist) with whom you can share your every feeling and still trust that they will still love you and not hurt you with criticism, judgment or rejection. If you have this love, it is easier to release negative emotional symptoms like irritation, anger, fear and so forth.
Rhumy Amith – CBT Therapist.
Life Member & Senior Vice President PPM