FORGIVE AND FORGET
A man should remember all good things that his wife has done to him, when he feels offended, unloved or hurt, when something bad happens to him through her. Instead of punishing her, ask her for the support that you want, and she will surely give it. Respectfully with a calm voice let her know that she has hurt you, and then give her a chance to apologize. Punishment does not work! You will feel better by giving her a chance to give you what you need. Remember that she is a female and she does not know what you need or how she hurt you. A woman should respectfully and in a voice that shows feelings of love tell him how you feel when he is angry with you. Also try to understand that when he is angry he will withhold his love for you and gives it back when he feels he is supported and loved. Try to understand from his point of view, and not from your point of view what his love needs are and how needs to be loved. When you as a wife are able to know why and how he was hurt, let him know that you are sorry. And, then most importantly, give him the love that he didn’t get in these ways: –
- If he feels unappreciated, give him appreciation he needs
- If he feels rejected or manipulated, give the acceptance he needs
- If he feels mistrusted, give him the trust he needs
- If he feels put down, give him the admiration he needs
- If he feels disapproval, give him the approval he needs and deserves.
The most difficult part of the above process is knowing what hurt him. Most of the time, when a man goes into his silence zone and avoids his wife, he himself does not know what hurt him. Then when he comes back to normal he generally does not talk about it. Then how is his wife supposed to know what actually hurt his feelings.
Reading my earlier writings and understanding how men need love differently is a good starter and beginning for all wives as it gives them an advantage and edge that women have never had before in having a happy family life.
The other way a woman can learn what happened in the ‘hurt theory’ is through communication. As I have mentioned in many of my earlier episodes, the more a woman is able to open and share her feelings in a respectful way, the more a man is able to learn to open up and share his hurt and feelings.
Actually, women does not realize the power of their love and unnecessarily trying to overdo things end up hurt. In Tamil the word used for this is ‘Anbu thollai’ . When a woman appreciates what a man does for her, he gets much of the love he needs. This is a simple factor which is not even looked into by a woman on most occasions. A big source of love for a man is the loving reaction that a woman has to his behavior. He too has a love tank, but that tank is filled with how she reacts to him or how she feels about him more than what she does to him.
For example when wife prepares a meal for her husband, he gives love by how she is feeling towards him. On the other hand, if a wife even secretly hates her husband when she cooks for him, will make him withhold the love for her, because she was resenting or hating him. Are my words reaching your ears and hearts clearly ??? Therefore, the secret to fulfilling a man lies in learning to express love through your feelings, not necessarily through your actions.
(To be continued, Insha Allah)