THE RESENTMENT FLU
Read the interesting letter written by a wife to her husband who is busy at work everyday to make that extra buck for the wife and family. “Dear Imran, I am writing this letter to share with you my feelings. I don’t mean to tell you what to do. I just want you to understand my feelings. I am angry that you spend so much time at work. I am angry that you come home with nothing left for me. I want to spend more time with you. It hurts to fee like you care more about your work than me. I feel sad that you are so tired. I miss you. I am afraid you don’t want to spend time with me. I am afraid of being another burden in your life. I am afraid of sounding like a nag. I am afraid my feelings are not important to you. I am sorry if this is hard to hear. I know you are doing your best. I appreciate how hard you work. I love you. Salma” Do you know how many wives have letters of similar nature to be written to their husbands? It is so sad that husbands do not understand these feelings fully. You cannot blame the husband because he thinks he is doing the best thing by working hard to provide a better life (more money) for her and their family.
But wives possess the special ability to appreciate the little things of life as much as the big things. This is a blessing for a man. Most men strive for greater success because they believe it will make them worthy of love. And they need to hear this appreciation from their wives. A woman feels that she gives more than the husband because she spends more time in household work. She feels that she has given 40 points to her husband’s 10 points. She feels resentful when she feels she is giving more. This is called Resentful Flu. She then removes 10 points from her score and makes it 30 points to zero, even without thinking.
Mathematically this makes senses but it does not work. Because when she removes 10 points, he ends up in zero. But he is not a zero. He has not given zero but 10. When he comes home, she has coldness in her eyes or in her voice which says that he has given zero. She then feels unloved.
This is not fair but it is how it works. What happens in a relationship at this point is the man feels unappreciated and loses his motivation to do more. He than catches the Resentment Flu. She continues to feel more Resentful, and the situation gets worse and worse. Her Resentment flu gets worse. The way to solve this problem is to understand it kindly and caringly from both sides. He needs to be appreciated while she needs to feel supported.
Men give less when they feel unappreciated. By taking responsibility for giving too much, she can give up blaming him for the problem and then start a new score card. She can give him another chance and improve the situation. He has to understand the she needs to receive from him more before she can give again. If he continues giving and she focuses on taking a rest from giving and focuses on receiving his support with love, the balance can be quickly resolved. Will be continued…. Rhumy Amith – Counselling Psychologist and Relationship and Parenting Consultant
(To be continued, Insha Allah)