We are still on positive communication, which I personally feel, if properly mastered, will create that magic in your life. There are many life skills that we have to necessarily learn, practice and master, without taking these for granted.
One of the reasons relationships are so successful at the start is that a man is still in a woman’s good grace and thoughts. He is still her hero. He receives all the support and blessings from her and therefore he rides high and is on top of the world. But no sooner he disappoints and hurts her, he falls down from that high position. He loses her support.
However, a man can deal with this disapproval of a woman, but when a woman does this with rejection and a bad tone then this man gets wounded and hurt. A woman normally questions a man about his behavior with a bad tone. Women do this thinking that this will teach men a lesson. No, it does not. It only creates fear and hate. And slowly he becomes less and less motivated to patch up. To support and care for a man is to see the good reasons behind what he does. But if he acts negatively or becomes lazy, a woman can still find goodness within him. A woman needs to remember that she still can give him support even if she disagrees with his behavior. This will have many benefits for the relationship.
The rule is to hate the behavior and not the man. He will sooner realize his mistake and make amends. The most common way a man starts arguments is by ignoring a woman’s feelings or point of view. Actually, a man does not realize how much he ignores. For example a man may take lightly and say “ Ah, don’t worry about it” or “It is not such a big deal.” To another man it will look normal but to a woman it is very sensitive and hurting. And to make things worst he explains to her why she should not be upset, and he will say that he has a good logical and perfect reason why. But the only message that she gets is that he does not care about her feelings. The answer for this is for a man to listen empathetically to a woman she speaks about her feelings, and this will make her feel that he supports and cares for her.
The most common way a woman starts an argument is by not being direct or by not coming to the point when she shares her feelings. Without coming to the point she will ask asking questions and send out a negative message. Although this is not the message that she wants to give, it is generally what a man will hear. Generally when a man is late, a woman may feel, “I don’t like waiting for you when you are late” or “I was worried that something has happened to you.” When he arrives, without sharing her feelings directly, she asks a unsupportive question like, “How could you be so late” or “What am I supposed to do when you are so late?” or “ Why didn’t you at least call ?” For sure, asking someone “Why didn’t you call?” is OK if you are sincerely looking for a good reason. But the tone of a woman will say that it is not the good reason that she is looking for but there is no acceptable reason for him to be late.
When a man hears these unsupportive questions from his wife, he does not hear her feelings but instead hears her unsupportive. He feels attacked and then become defensive. But she has no idea that she has hurt him so much by this unsupportive questioning.
Just as women need justification, men need approval. The more a man loves a woman the move he needs her approval. It is always there at the beginning of a relationship.
(To be continued, Insha Allah)