Bismih Ta’ala.
It is useful to know what happens when the wave and the rubber band takes place at the same time. A wise man will go out of his way to help a woman feel safe during the rise and fall of the wave. As a result the love and passion for each other increases. The husband has succeeded in giving more to his wife and family than ever. The wife could not believe that her husband would be so loving and caring. She is delighted and they had become closer than ever. She was at the peak of her wave. This went on for a couple of weeks, and then her husband decided to stay up late one night and watch a movie on TV. His rubber band was starting to slump (weak). He needed to pull away into his silent zone.
But, however, when he pulled away his wife was greatly hurt. Her wave began to crash. She felt that his pulling away was the end of her new found love and intimate relationship. The past few weeks were like a dream and it was everything that she had hoped for and wanted. And now she thought she was going to lose it. It was her dream from childhood that she gets this type of intimacy and love. His pulling away by watching TV and not being there for her was a sudden big shock for her. It was like giving a toffee to a little girl and suddenly taking it away. She became very upset.
However, her husband feels it this way, “ I have been so wonderful for the past few weeks and should that not entitle me for a little time off. I have been giving you all the time all these days and now it is time for me. You should be safer, secure, and assured of my love than ever before.”
But then, the wife thinks it this way, “These two weeks have been so wonderful. I have let myself open up to you more than ever. Losing your loving attention and care is more painful and hurting than ever. I really started opening up to you trusting you but then you suddenly pulled away and left me.”
In her unconscious mind she had this negative experience of her childhood when she wanted her father to be with her but he was too busy for her. Therefore, her unresolved feelings of anger (unconscious motivation) of her childhood were taken upon her husband when he started watching TV. If these feelings had not emerged to the surface from her unconsciousness, she would have gracefully and happily allowed her husband to watch TV.
When all these were going on in her mind her husband did not know why she was hurt. He told her that she should not be hurt and then the argument began. Telling a woman that she should not feel hurt is about the worst thing a man can say at a time like this. It hurts her even more. However, if she is given care and understanding the blame will disappear and she will again begin to rise to the top of her wave.
The husband should not misunderstand that his wife wanted him to stop seeing TV forever. She was not meaning that. She just wanted him to know how painful it was for her. A woman will understands well that when her pain is heard and when he reassures that he is always there for her and then she will not be upset for whatever changes he makes.
(To be continued, Insha Allah)