HEALING NEGATIVE FEELINGS
Understanding and accepting another person’s negative feelings is not easy if your own negative feelings have not been heard, supported and healed. The more that we are able to heal our own unsolved feelings from childhood the easier it is to share our feelings and listen to our partner’s feelings without being hurt, impatient, frustrated or upset.
The more that you strive to feel your own inner pain, the more that you will strive to listen and understand the inner feelings of others. If you feel impatient and unable to bear when others talk about their childlike feelings, then this is clear proof of how you treat your own self.
To get over our inner problems, we must re-parent (like formatting the computer when there is a virus infection) ourselves. We must understand that there is an emotional person inside us who gets upset even when our rational adult mind says there is no reason to get upset. We must isolate and detach that emotional part of ourselves and become a loving parent to it.
We need to question ourselves “What is the matter?” Are you hurt? What are your feelings? What happened to upset you? What are you angry about? What makes you sad? What are you afraid of? What is that you exactly want? What is your problem? In this manner explore solutions to your unanswered negative emotions.
It is only when we listen to our feelings with compassion, care and kindness, our negative feelings are amazingly healed and we are able to respond to situations in a much more loving and respectful way. By understanding our childlike feelings, we naturally open a door for loving feelings to enter the door of our hearts.
It is quite natural for each and every one of us to think and feel, that since we are adults and since we come a long way, we have learned quite a lot from school and other sources, that everything that we decide and do is correct. And therefore when someone says something to the contrary there is opposition and unacceptance.
If as children our inner emotional feelings had been repeatedly heard and cared for in a loving way, then as adults we would not have got stuck in negative emotions. But, unfortunately, most of us were not supported this way as children, so we have to do it for ourselves the hard way, whether we like it or not. Because understanding each other’s inner feelings is the number one priority in creating a healthy and happy life. Let us start this process of self-healing today, this second, and use this opportunity of staying indoors a worthwhile vacation.
TEACHERS’ TANTRUMS
It is the teacher who is best placed to meet a student’s needs. None is closest to the student in the school and knows the student better than a teacher.
However, teachers are being faced with problems in school for which they are not properly trained, and students are not receiving the help they need. The main priority now is to equip teachers with basic counselling skills; not training them as counsellors or to work as counsellors. But to help teachers to perform their guidance work more effectively, and enabling them to recognize problems which need referring to a specialist or counselling psychologist.
Teachers need training to access the different levels of problems, so that they work within their level of competence, and do not suffer undue stress as a result of the work, and also do not harm students through frustration.
In a classroom situation, you may find students with different types of abilities and disabilities. How many teachers know what is dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia, phobia, panic attacks, anxiety disorders, OCD, ADHD, identifying those with special needs, who slow learners are, and the list goes on.
The knowledge of Child Psychology that they have learned does not provide them with a comprehensive understanding of children, nor does it teach how to understand and handle vulnerable children, as I have gone through many of these syllabuses.
Therefore, the onus is now on the Principals and the Management of schools to provide their teachers with such training. What would you think if the future generation is left in the hands of incompetent teachers, with all due respect to them? What do you make of the behavior of present-day students?
SOME SERIOUS CONCERNS OF MARRIAGE
As a psychosocial counsellor, in the past few weeks, I have understood that from many communications that I receive, there are some serious issues in marriage life. Females, recently married and even those who are in years of married life have this grave concern. Today, I am going to talk about females.
I did not wish to initially write and post these concerns on Facebook, but, since the situation is so grave and can wreck the bedrock of marriage life, and that is the reason. Most of these things are hidden from the family and society due to stigma.
Apart from many other things, marriage life has two main aspects to be fulfilled, and these are, emotional needs and physical needs. This has to be fulfilled by both husband and wife to each other. Emotional needs mean love, care, romance, understanding, and happiness, etc., and, physical needs will mean a fulfilled sexual life. Here, I am not going to talk about the other common physical needs such as food, clothing, water, shelter, etc.
Men are normally, initiators and the dominant partner in sex by nature, as is in other walks of life. However, most men think and feel that sexual satisfaction is restricted only to them, and the female partner is there only to facilitate this. And, when the urge is there, it is done and finished in no time, sometimes it lasts five minutes to ten minutes. There is no sweet talk, no romance, no foreplay, no caressing, etc. Even before the wife begins to get a feel, he has already come. And then she is left high and dry, goes dissatisfied. And, when this goes on for some time she loses hope in her dream of having a healthy sexual life and ends up frustrated with every session. Then she begins to find other alternatives. And this is the most dangerous point that I am trying to stress.
It must be clearly understood that the modern-day girls have access to mobile phones, computers, and the internet, and therefore, some of them get addicted to pornography. I am not generalizing. It does not matter if the girl is in some remote village in the Eastern Province or living in the high profiled areas of Colombo city. There is a very good chance that all these girls know what sex is and they look forward patiently to enjoy this activity with their husbands. More than anything, sex is a natural tendency that arises during the teenage for both sexes. Boys have their own ways, but what can the girls do. I hope you understand what I am trying to stress.
I cannot go into details of unfaithfulness that is happening, due to the lackadaisical attitude of the husbands. Husbands must necessarily know that marriage is a life skill that has to be learned, and it has so many dimensions. Yet some husbands neglect their home front by getting involved and spending too much time in social activity work. Many young wives complain that their husbands go out of the house at 7.00 in the morning and come back tired at almost 9.00 past in the night. Even on weekends husbands get together with friends or have some event to attend. Some of the wives have extramarital relationships due to this. Actually, this is a very sad state of affairs as the husband is not prepared to listen to the woes of the wife, or takes it from one ear and sends it out from the other, and takes it lightly, little realizing that necessity needs no law.
Wives simply like romance and that their husbands should flirt with them. But romance is far from the mind of the husband. If the husband does not provide them with this legitimate and acceptable requirement of the wife, what can the wife do? Let this be an eye-opener to such husbands, and also a warning bell. I simply don’t want to mention the fact that some of them have already missed their clarion call.