Scoring high marks
Let me say Alhamdulillah for the completion of Part 40. A man thinks that he scores high points when he does something big for a woman, like buying her something expensive, taking her out for a meal, looking after the household expenses, etc. He thinks he scores less by doing buyer her flower, giving her a hug, talking romantic words, listening to her, etc. Therefore, he spends his time, energy and attention towards doing something big for her.
However, a woman keeps scores differently. No matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores only one point. A man, however, thinks that when he gives a big and expensive gift he scores fifty points and one point for a small gift. And, therefore he naturally focuses his energies and efforts into one or two big gifts.
A man does not realize by his nature (you cannot actually blame him, as he needs to be corrected), that to a woman the little things are just as important as the big ones. In other words, a single rose gets as many points as buying her a gold ring. Without understanding this basic difference in satisfying each other, men and women are forever frustrated and disappointed at their relationships.
I am saying this in general as there are very stingy ones who does not do anything until a wife asks. Still you cannot blame him as that would have been how his father has treated his mother. It is a nature vs. nurture conflict.
Imran is a successful doctor and earns huge sums of money, but his work is time consuming. He could not understand why his wife Salma was always unhappy. He earned a ‘good living’ and ‘provided a good life’ to his wife and his family, but when he comes home his was unhappy. He did not realize he was only getting one point from her for all his efforts. The more he earned the less he got from his wife.
Meanwhile, Salma began to do even more to manage their personal life and relationship. She was managing all the family work by herself. As she gave more, she felt as if she was scoring about 100 points a month to his one point. This made her very unhappy and bitter.
Imran’s point of view is that he is giving 100 points to her 100 points. In his mind the score was equal. He was satisfied with his life except that she was unhappy. He then blames her for wanting too much. For him his increased pay check equaled what she was giving. This made Salma more angry.
As a Psycho-social Counsellor I am inundated with many such problems between husband and wife. In some cases the wife applies for separation when the husband does not have time for her. In future articles I will deal with how a husband should give his 100 points in an acceptable manner to the wife, Insha Allah.
(To be continued, Insha Allah)