Love at times fails because people ‘give’ what they ‘want’, little realizing that what they ‘give’ is not what others ‘want’. For example, when a woman’s primary love need are ‘to be cared for’ and ‘understood’ and so forth as discussed earlier, she naturally and automatically gives her man a lot of caring and understanding. However, to a man, this ‘caring’ support and ‘understanding’ makes him feel that she does not ‘trust’ him. Because being ‘trusted’ is his primary need and not being ‘cared for’. And, when he does not respond positively to her ‘care’ and ‘understanding’, she cannot understand why he does not appreciate her brand of support. Yet again, he is giving her his own brand of love, which is not what she too needs. So, they are caught up in a quagmire of failing to fulfill each other’s needs. Hope you understand the above explanation.
Many people give up on relationships when it becomes too difficult. However, relationships become easier when we understand our partner’s primary needs. We should know what is required to be given and not what is more to be given. Then there will not be a burn out on love. To be successful in a love relationship you need to learn how to give the love that he or she primarily need, and, these have been discussed in detail in my last articles.
One of the biggest problems that men have with listening to women is that they get frustrated and angry, because they forget that women like to communicate differently. Men should understand that anger comes from not understanding her point of view, and this is never her fault. Remember that feelings don’t make sense right away, but they are still valid and need empathy. Try to imagine how you would feel if you saw the world through her eyes.
Don’t blame her for not feeling better from your solutions. Solutions are not what she needs. She needs your listening and understanding. If you wish to say a different point of view, make sure that she has finished talking and then rephrase (recap /recall) her point of view, before giving your own suggestions, and do not raise your voice. Also remember that you don’t fully have to understand her point of view to succeed in being a good listener. Take responsibility for not understanding and don’t say that she cannot be understood.
Remember, you are not responsible for how she feels. She may sound as she is blaming you, but she really needs to be understood. Therefore, don’t try to defend yourself, until she feels that you understand and care.
If she makes you angry, remember, that she is mistrusting you. Deep inside her is a scared little girl who is afraid of opening up and being hurt and who needs your kindness and compassion. Insha Allah, we will discuss more techniques for improved relationships in future write-ups.
(To be continued, Insha Allah)