As discussed in my last write-up, to further explain, setting limits in “giving” and “receiving” constantly disturb the thoughts of a woman. She is afraid of “needing” too much and when this does not happen, she feels rejected and abandoned. This is because deep inside her unconscious mind she holds the wrong belief that she is not worthy of receiving more, maybe, due to the belief which was formed in childhood, where most of the time, she had to suppress (hold back) her feelings, needs and wishes.
A woman is confused and worried to the negative and wrong thinking that she does not deserve to be loved. If in her childhood she had seen other girls being treated harshly or if she herself had undergone such bad treatment, she becomes more helpless ( when she grows up to be an adult ) in feeling that she cannot get love or she is not worth. This thinking and feeling, makes her create the fear of needing others, and that she will not be supported during these needs.
Due to this belief that she will not be supported, she unintentionally and unknowingly pushes away or rejects the support she needs. In such situations, when her husband, wants to support her and fulfill her needs and she rejects it, he then feels that his wife does not trust him and he gets turned off. This hopelessness and mistrust of the wife makes her behave in such a manner that her important needs must be fulfilled but she does not trust her husband to support her (because of her childhood repressive instincts).
Therefore, a woman mistakenly assumes that having needs has made her husband behave negatively, whereas, the truth is that it is her hopelessness, desperation and mistrusts which has done so. Without recognizing and accepting that men need to be trusted, it is difficult for women to understand what is “needing” and “neediness”. “Needing” is to openly trust a man that he will do his best with sincerity to help her when she wants any support. . And “neediness” is to desperately need his support, and to feel negative just because you do not trust you will get it. This attitude pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated.
For women, it is not easy for her to depend on others and then be ignored. As humans we all have our needs, and when such needs cannot be achieved we need to get others support. However, due to her wrong belief, in thinking “needing” others put her into a very tricky position. If she is not given the required support it then confirms her belief as correct that she is unworthy.
Therefore, parents and caregivers must necessarily develop good caring and giving habits, specially, when it comes to girls in their childhood. This will have a positive impact in their lives when they grow up and as a result leading to a happy and contended married life. Men and husbands should understand these issues in the proper frame of mind and accordingly treat their wives in a very empathetic manner. If they have not done so before, this then is the most appropriate time to make the positive change. Buy your wife a gift and take it to her with a bouquet of flowers and say how much you love her.
(To be continued, Insha Allah)